I cried, but for the first time they were happy tears. God is bringing joy back into my life.
The grief is starting not to have the same raw intensity it did. I couldn’t do memories before; even the happy ones were too painful to visit. I’m gradually, in small doses, allowing myself to think of the happy memories of our lives together.
I loved my life with Dave and embraced every moment I spent at home with him, but I realize I have had a lot of stress and sadness for many years. It was excruciating to watch my husband in chronic pain, taking hit after hit with every major health event that no one should have to endure.
I am starting to do things I haven’t been able to do in years and some things I’ve never done before. Last weekend I went to my first opera--La Bohème at the Ordway Theater. It was so fun to get dressed up and experience something completely new.
My friend, Jane, lost her first husband when she was in her 40s. As a fellow widow, Jane has given me good counsel. "People who haven't lost a spouse have opinions on whether you are 'moving on' too quickly or not fast enough. They have no idea what you are going through. You have the right to be happy. Get out and live again.”
It still hurts and it is rare I have a day without tears (so rare I can count them--seven days I haven't cried of the five-plus months Dave has been gone).
Grief never goes completely away I'm told. You just learn to live with it. I 'm learning I can enjoy moments of happiness, even while I still grieve. My cousin, Janet, recently told me “Grief and joy can coexist.”
I don't want to be sad all the time anymore. Dave is in heaven. He is well; he has joy we can’t fathom. I’m locking my mind on that, and I am starting to feel the sun peak through.
