One Year

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the last time we were together as a family last year. I thought it would be too taxing for Dave, but there was no question, Dave wanted to go. He soaked in being with our kids and grandchildren, and it was a wonderfully sweet time. He passed away a week later.

Losing Dave has been the single hardest thing I've ever gone through. There have only been a handful of days I haven't wept. I've wondered if all those tears were collected how big of a container they would fill.

Dave's headstone was finally installed last week. It was the last logistical thing that had to be done. I went to visit the grave site, cried hard, then knelt and rested my head on the stone. I told him how very much I loved and missed him. 

I wish I could visit Dave in heaven, see him whole and experiencing joy and peace. This song touches on the idea of visiting heaven. It is about someone who is still raising children, but I can relate and make some of the lines my own.

I wish that heaven had visiting hours
And I would ask them if I could take you home
But I know what they'd say, that it's for the best
So I will live life the way you taught me, and make it on my own

And I will close the door, but I will open up my heart
And everyone I love will know exactly who you are
'Cause this is not goodbye, it is just 'til we meet again.

The sadness never goes away completely my long-time widowed friends tell me. Dave is going to always have a piece of my heart, and I will ache from missing him for the rest of my life. Hopefully, one day it will become more of a sweet ache than the dull one I feel now.

Dave didn't give me a lot of guidance for after he was gone. He didn't want me to be sad, so I tried not to dwell on what it would be like. But, one morning the reality hit for how painful it was going be without him. I asked Dave, "How am I ever going to do it without you?" And, in Dave's typical forthright fashion he simply said, "You'll be okay."

As I left the cemetery that day, I felt a sense of closure. I've been in a holding pattern of being in tremendous grief this year, but I feel like a new chapter is starting. It won't be without sadness, but I'm ready to celebrate life, as Dave had done his last year.

I'm going to be okay, just as Dave told me I would.

To Know Me

Depending on your politics, you are either elated or drastically disappointed and upset with the results of Tuesday's election. My cousin said she envied Dave. She said it would be nice to be in heaven and done with all this nonsense. I get that. I often feel the same.

I shared with her the perspective I received from Dave.

Dave had been a news junky, but when he had been told that he had months not years left, he didn't want to spend the rest of the time he had on the negative. We lived in peace and did not watch the news, and we were so much happier for it. He was intentional in appreciating every moment especially the time he had with our kids and grandkids. Every day we thanked God for all of the blessings He had given us. And, oh my were we blessed. We had a beautiful last year together.

It is now just a few weeks from the day Dave left his time on earth and my life changed forever. I miss Dave so very, very much. He was my rock and my best friend. 

I still cry almost every day. I've learned what it is to keen, to mourn and lament loudly with a wordless cry. I still do that privately when I am home alone. But I've found a way not to break out in tears when I am speaking of him with strangers. I do mental math. I'm not quick with mental math so it distracts me and I can manage not becoming a sniveling mess in the aisles of Walmart.

I heard this song, To Know Me by Lauren Daigle yesterday. To know me, you had to know Dave. 

I love you, Dave. Thank you for teaching me how to live gratefully and in light of eternity.