I will make it through

Today is six weeks out. What’s changed?    

      I haven’t cooked a meal since Dave passed. I buy frozen meals from Trader Joe’s. I tried Nutrisystem, not with the goal of losing weight, but so I wouldn't have to think about what I was going to eat each meal. After trying the shelf ready meatballs-in-a-bag dinner, I got gastrointestinal stress almost immediately. I’d compare the plan to Dinty Moore canned stew and Little Debbie snacks bought from the gas station. I should have known better. I vaguely remember in the ‘80s when Nutrisystem got popular there was a high incidence of gall bladder attacks when anyone stayed on the plan for any length of time.

     I go to bed late and sleep in for as long as possible. Dave was an early riser every day at 5 a.m. I’d climb squinty eyed out of bed at the same time. It wasn’t bad though. We had a wonderful routine that I loved, having breakfast, drinking coffee, asking each other when we need to leave for work. Then we’d stop and say, “Oh, wait, we don’t have to go to work anymore!” And, we laughed liked hyenas. It never got old.

     I am working on getting a weekly routine. I spend Thursday afternoons playing with one-year-old Calvin so Paige can have one afternoon a week not racing after him while she’s trying to homeschool Evie and Hazel. Fridays I've volunteered to watch Amber and Paul’s kiddos so they can celebrate the end of their work week. Landon and I go out to dinner weekly. Sunday afternoons are spent with my mom at assisted living where she beats me at Scrabble. It’s a little humiliating. Last Sunday she won by one point on her last play. This from a woman who is 87 and has dementia.

Paige and Matt's family lent me their dog, Potter, for a few weeks to keep me company. He's a great lap dog. I'm happy for his company. I think I'll start looking for my own dog this spring. 

What hasn’t changed?

Still sad every day. It's very slowly getting better. The hardest thing is when I am alone in the house. I wish I wasn’t in such a quiet neighborhood. Winter is making it harder.

I continue to get calls from friends. At night it helps pass the time.

I am seeking God through my grief. I don’t know what I’d do without Him to lean on. I understand the temptation people have to self-medicate to escape the pain. Instead, I try to get through it the best I can, often having a good cry. I read Scripture, talk out loud to the Lord, listen to worship music.

This was sent to me by my friend, Pauline, this morning.

I will make it through.